I think one of the reasons why I constantly switch blogs and had various nicknames was because I am always ashamed of my own self. Reading the archives made me realized how naïve and foolish I was, despite how those said entries aren’t even a year old. To be honest, this blog hasn’t reached its first anniversary yet. But already I felt as if I’ve grown far mature than the first post of this blog, and if I can, I want to escape from the reality of it and start anew. But that’s cowardly, isn’t it?
From the moment I started this blog, I had different goals in mind. Then a thing led to another, and I found that instead of becoming a blog catering to people, it’s more of a rant space where I can randomly drawl and write whatever on my mind. And for once, my entries are honest because frankly, I don’t want to write stupid things and signed it off with my real name.
Although, most of my entries ARE kind of stupid, but you get the point. At least I no longer am a hypocrite. Freedom of speech/write, so to speak.
I almost never discuss my everyday life, because really, if I were to do that, then I’d be writing, Today I ate cereals, like yesterday, but instead of sugar, I put honey, unlike yesterday, then I did aerobic, like yesterday, then I studied, like yesterday, then it was the listening test, while doing yoga, like yesterday, then I studied some more, like yesterday…
My father always said that always, in a day, the sweetest thing would appear, and if a person is perceivable enough, he would notice. No day is ordinary, and no day is the same.
But I don’t think that particular sweetest thing is worth blogged about. It is sweet alright, but only to me, since I am the only one who can understand it.
I believe that an hour later, I will be smarter than the previous hour, tomorrow I will be smarter again, and next year, I will know a ton of things compared to last year, and experience a whole lot more, more intelligent and mature that I will look down at the old me and feel ashamed of my naivety and stupidity.
But that’s not the most admirable way to go, isn’t it? So yes, I’m trying to accept my flawed past, because without my past, there is, after all, no me.
So now I will continue the hobby that I like best, instead of hanging down my head in shame.
I may not have the talent, I may be wasting my time, but it is my passion, after all.
And so, I will start writing a book again.
And I will NOT, do things for the sake of impressing others. I will do this for my sake, for teaching myself the hardness of life, for preparing myself of things to come.
Because you can't always live under your parents' wings. Or rely solely on your husband. You need to be independent, like it or not, for your own sake. You need to have something that you cherish, something that you love, reminding yourself of how precious you are, so that your life won't be a monotonous line with zilch excitement.
So, I will start being creative again.
Oh Allah, give me strength.
P/S: I think this post is slightly weird. I don't know. My light bulb lights up and my eyes are blinded I think.