I’m not sure what got into me. Perhaps it was the chilly yet crisp air of Medina’s morning, or maybe it was the ambiance in general, but as I sat there in the Nabawi Mosque, waiting for the Fajr prayer, I come to a conclusion.
God really doesn’t give me what I want, but He always gives me what I need.
I remember how I prayed, and prayed, and prayed more yesterday, hoping that my dream will come true…
But as I sat there earlier this morning, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
Supposedly my wish was granted and I got what I wanted, but if it only will cause heartache in the end, why should I bother?
Perhaps all I ever wanted is not what I really need. If my wish would only prove hazardous to me in the end, then maybe it’s best for that wish to be left in the dust, never be granted.
I remember wanting to jump a grade so bad and pass the PTS test. But I didn’t.
I get it now. Fourth Grade is the beginning of my achievement.
I remember how I didn’t particularly care about my UPSR results, but I got good results nonetheless.
Because of this, I gained much respects from others. This is vital, because then I’ll prove to be incapable. But I was respected nonetheless. All because of the UPSR results.
I remember how I wanted to go to this boarding school so bad, but that school never gave me their offer letter, another school did.
In the end, I went back to my public school. I get it now, the reason I wasn’t offered by the boarding school of my dream was because I would have humiliated my sister if they did.
My life was destroyed by this thing called disease.
But this disease is the thing that saves my life. If I didn’t experience it, I won’t have the chance of boarding the plane and live with sands and camels and goats, won’t I?
The only thing I ever wanted was a normal life, like my friends, if you will, but I got nothing of that sort. Because of that, I live an obscure life. Because of that, I am quite isolated from the real world. And because of that, even though my heart is black, my mentality is quite green. And because of that, I somehow have the chance of living here.
I never wished to be here. I’d never dreamed of stepping a foot here at such a young age. I never dreamed of learning Arabic in the first place. That’s too far of a dream for me to obtain. All I ever wanted is a normal life, but I suppose that dream is far too stretched than the dream of living here.
I am not destined to be like them then, I get that. I don’t really care.
If what God gives me is all I need, then I’m fine with that. Really, only God knows best about anything at all.
I know nothing.
And so…
I will just keep on studying, and stop trying.
After all, like they said, you should only give up when you’ve done everything within your power to obtain the stuff. If you give up because things are getting hard, then you should try harder.
I’ve tried everything within my power. If the other party wouldn’t spare me a chance, if they couldn’t open their hearts to accept me, then what more could I say?
I’ve prayed to God. I’ve tried my hardest.
But this is it, then. If I didn’t get it, then it’s okay.
It’s just something that I don’t need.
Maybe something better will come later. Things that will really prove useful to me.
I just need to wait, then.
May better opportunities come to my doorsteps soon.
Amin.
P/S: I should have locked this post, shouldn't I? Private and all.
Well.
I don’t really care.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Ins and Outs February Edition
Supposedly February is the month for lovers…well, what can I say, such a melodramatic month this is. :D
Ins
>I’m trying to study diligently and avoid distractions so I’ll eliminate all those other ins!
>I bake too much lately due to my mood inconsistencies…piemuffincakelasagnapizzacurrypuffwhoaimawesome (can’t really eliminate this. Baking is good, isn’t it??)
Outs
>Metal songs begone! I love metal to death especially death metal (lol…no actually I like symphonic metal better) but I think my ears are beginning to deafen.
>I watched too many Korean dramas I think I forgot some Arabic and Japanese words so buhbye dramas.
>I must stop listening to those dramas’ soundtracks and daydream about the scenes (or scenes that will never happen but only in my head).
>I don’t like Facebook that much. If only I can say the same about Twitter. Well. CAN’T. D:
Despite all that, I’m going to Medina tomorrow for a couple of days, and I don’t think I’ll have the chance to study there, so I wonder if my resolution will still have its impact when I return.
Hopefully it will. That’s why I wrote this post.
;D
May all of you have a splendid holiday~~~ :D
Ins
>I’m trying to study diligently and avoid distractions so I’ll eliminate all those other ins!
>I bake too much lately due to my mood inconsistencies…piemuffincakelasagnapizzacurrypuffwhoaimawesome (can’t really eliminate this. Baking is good, isn’t it??)
Outs
>Metal songs begone! I love metal to death especially death metal (lol…no actually I like symphonic metal better) but I think my ears are beginning to deafen.
>I watched too many Korean dramas I think I forgot some Arabic and Japanese words so buhbye dramas.
>I must stop listening to those dramas’ soundtracks and daydream about the scenes (or scenes that will never happen but only in my head).
>I don’t like Facebook that much. If only I can say the same about Twitter. Well. CAN’T. D:
Despite all that, I’m going to Medina tomorrow for a couple of days, and I don’t think I’ll have the chance to study there, so I wonder if my resolution will still have its impact when I return.
Hopefully it will. That’s why I wrote this post.
;D
May all of you have a splendid holiday~~~ :D
Monday, February 15, 2010
Me is Me, and You is You
How distinct are we? Have you ever met a person that reminds you thoroughly of someone else, from the end of her hair to the tip of her toes?
Most often, even if you found someone eerily familiar, there’s always this tiny difference that sets them apart, making them unique in their own ways. Be it with their attitude or their thoughts, there’s no one in the world that resembles you.
So before thinking that you are forgettable or typical, and no one will remember you because others are far spectacular, think again.
In this world, there’s only one you. How lucky they are to know you, because no one else could experience the awesomeness that is you.
Let your own charms shine through. That is the secret for a better you.
Stop pretending to be someone else, because that someone is not you.
Just be yourself, and you’ll see that you’re just as cool.
P/S: Doodling...sleepy...doodling...sigh.
Most often, even if you found someone eerily familiar, there’s always this tiny difference that sets them apart, making them unique in their own ways. Be it with their attitude or their thoughts, there’s no one in the world that resembles you.
So before thinking that you are forgettable or typical, and no one will remember you because others are far spectacular, think again.
In this world, there’s only one you. How lucky they are to know you, because no one else could experience the awesomeness that is you.
Let your own charms shine through. That is the secret for a better you.
Stop pretending to be someone else, because that someone is not you.
Just be yourself, and you’ll see that you’re just as cool.
P/S: Doodling...sleepy...doodling...sigh.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
We live in different worlds...or are we?
Someone brought up this subject.
“Love after marriage is sweeter than love before marriage.”
That is to say, he believed that one could see a person’s true color after spending their lives with each other, day and night, no boundaries, no secrets…sooner or later, there’ll be love in the air, engulfing everyone with happiness, happy ever after, such and such…
That is nice and all, but what if your significant other didn’t, or couldn’t, love you? Our hearts aren’t the same. You could live with each other for eternity and still couldn’t touch his heart. I know this, because I’ve seen it loads of times.
Arranged marriage is not an unusual thing in my family. Granted, my father chose my mother over my grandmother’s choice, but other than that, the rest in my family basically follow the path that the heads of the family had chosen.
Then again, I suppose most of them are happy with their spouses, since they look outwardly bliss?
Even now, my cousins are destined with arranged marriage, either because of status or old friendship sake. There is a situation where someone decided to rebel and turn her back against the marriage, and well, that didn’t have a happy ending.
I’ve always known, or perhaps, hoped that I’ll be married to my family’s choice one day. I’ve noticed that others too have the same conclusion in their heads—that, or I wouldn’t get married at all. Personal reasons and all that. My problems are too much of a burden for a mere stranger anyway.
Being the odd one out has always been my greatest charm, but when it turns out like this, it makes me quite miserable indeed.
And even though my parents have clearly made their point on letting us choose our own partner in life—since their own history of arranged marriage made them wary of recklessly pairing their children with another—I, and perhaps everyone, have always known that I, the black sheep, will be excluded.
They’ll have no choice but to find me a suitor one day, and I can only hope that he’ll be someone as amiable as other’s partner.
I held on that thought.
But as I grow up, I’m not so sure anymore.
Reality isn’t as blissful as TV dramas, or even books, isn’t it? Sure, the books may portray the hardships and conflicts that the characters have to endure and overcome, but most, if not all, realize their mistakes and live happily ever after in the end.
How can we be sure that such things could happen in real life?
Not that I have little faith in life, but I’ve seen enough to conclude that things didn’t go as smoothly as on TV.
Sometimes, I wonder, what a household would be like if a husband didn’t have any respect for his wife?
Forget love. If there’s no respect, how can we be certain that a wife could live her entire life with her chosen husband?
It’s not fair to treat your wife like a nobody when you treated everyone like some sort of royalty.
It’s not fair that the wife didn’t know a thing about your life when you basically know everything about hers.
It’s not fair that the wife is nothing but a pretty vase, only there for your own pleasure, for the beauty and what it’s worth.
It’s not fair that your life is your life, and her life is her life.
My father’s life has always been my mother’s life, regardless of her not experiencing it with her own hands. Heck, even I know every single thing about my parents’ lives, since they always discuss and share their day over high tea. They would share their views, support each other’s decisions, criticize their actions, diligently listening to whatever comes out from each other’s mouth…
I am a pampered kid. I thought my parents are ordinary, but that’s not the case apparently. I never realized how outspoken they are, and how quiet some households are.
That makes me sad.
To everyone out there, please, reach out your hands, invite your spouses to your life, to your world.
Don’t take the word matrimony for granted. It’s the joining of two souls isn’t it? Make use of it! Don’t let your wife sheds more tears due to your inconsideration—no, don’t even let their eyes crystallized with shame for marrying you.
May both of you live happily ever after with loads of love until the end of time.
P/S: cringe-worthy English in this post. I know >.>
“Love after marriage is sweeter than love before marriage.”
That is to say, he believed that one could see a person’s true color after spending their lives with each other, day and night, no boundaries, no secrets…sooner or later, there’ll be love in the air, engulfing everyone with happiness, happy ever after, such and such…
That is nice and all, but what if your significant other didn’t, or couldn’t, love you? Our hearts aren’t the same. You could live with each other for eternity and still couldn’t touch his heart. I know this, because I’ve seen it loads of times.
Arranged marriage is not an unusual thing in my family. Granted, my father chose my mother over my grandmother’s choice, but other than that, the rest in my family basically follow the path that the heads of the family had chosen.
Then again, I suppose most of them are happy with their spouses, since they look outwardly bliss?
Even now, my cousins are destined with arranged marriage, either because of status or old friendship sake. There is a situation where someone decided to rebel and turn her back against the marriage, and well, that didn’t have a happy ending.
I’ve always known, or perhaps, hoped that I’ll be married to my family’s choice one day. I’ve noticed that others too have the same conclusion in their heads—that, or I wouldn’t get married at all. Personal reasons and all that. My problems are too much of a burden for a mere stranger anyway.
Being the odd one out has always been my greatest charm, but when it turns out like this, it makes me quite miserable indeed.
And even though my parents have clearly made their point on letting us choose our own partner in life—since their own history of arranged marriage made them wary of recklessly pairing their children with another—I, and perhaps everyone, have always known that I, the black sheep, will be excluded.
They’ll have no choice but to find me a suitor one day, and I can only hope that he’ll be someone as amiable as other’s partner.
I held on that thought.
But as I grow up, I’m not so sure anymore.
Reality isn’t as blissful as TV dramas, or even books, isn’t it? Sure, the books may portray the hardships and conflicts that the characters have to endure and overcome, but most, if not all, realize their mistakes and live happily ever after in the end.
How can we be sure that such things could happen in real life?
Not that I have little faith in life, but I’ve seen enough to conclude that things didn’t go as smoothly as on TV.
Sometimes, I wonder, what a household would be like if a husband didn’t have any respect for his wife?
Forget love. If there’s no respect, how can we be certain that a wife could live her entire life with her chosen husband?
It’s not fair to treat your wife like a nobody when you treated everyone like some sort of royalty.
It’s not fair that the wife didn’t know a thing about your life when you basically know everything about hers.
It’s not fair that the wife is nothing but a pretty vase, only there for your own pleasure, for the beauty and what it’s worth.
It’s not fair that your life is your life, and her life is her life.
My father’s life has always been my mother’s life, regardless of her not experiencing it with her own hands. Heck, even I know every single thing about my parents’ lives, since they always discuss and share their day over high tea. They would share their views, support each other’s decisions, criticize their actions, diligently listening to whatever comes out from each other’s mouth…
I am a pampered kid. I thought my parents are ordinary, but that’s not the case apparently. I never realized how outspoken they are, and how quiet some households are.
That makes me sad.
To everyone out there, please, reach out your hands, invite your spouses to your life, to your world.
Don’t take the word matrimony for granted. It’s the joining of two souls isn’t it? Make use of it! Don’t let your wife sheds more tears due to your inconsideration—no, don’t even let their eyes crystallized with shame for marrying you.
May both of you live happily ever after with loads of love until the end of time.
P/S: cringe-worthy English in this post. I know >.>
Sunday, February 7, 2010
You've been awarded~! :D
My first reaction when Olivia from The Land of Makeup Obscurity tagged me was: WHOA I WAS TAGGED! :O AND AWARDED! OH! :O
So here are the rules for the award:
1. To accept the award, you must post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted you the award, and a link to their blog.
2. Pass the award on to approximately 10-15 other blogs that you recently discovered and think are great!
3. Contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
And the award goes to…
1. Pink Sith
2. KESUMA HATI
3. My Makeup Reviews
4. Hearts unbroken and words untold
5. Daniel Schaumann
6. Vincent Bals
7. Into The Palette
8. From Head To Toe
9. Rouge Deluxe
10. a penny for your thoughts.
11. La.La.Land
12. being me...shades of grey
13. My Lens
(I need to think this through because some people wouldn’t want to be awarded, wouldn’t they?)
(If you wish to not be awarded then tell me and I'll delete your name from the list.)
This is tough. Well. Bye bye. :D
(and I'll contact you...soon...uhh...soon.)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Vanity Fair...?
This post today is brought to you by the overly girl thingy that is Jill Stuart PSP!
Jill Stuart the fashion brand is known for its clean-cut and elegancy (I think) while the cosmetic brand (which is centered in Japan) has more of a frilly and princess-y vibe. I mean, look at this.
Jill Stuart fashion
Jill Stuart cosmetic
As usual with typical Japanese makeup brand, Jill Stuart cosmetic products lean towards the sheer side. Pearlescent and shimmery, the strong point lies in their cute packaging rather than the product itself. There are tons of better products out there, but none of them matches Jill Stuart in terms of packaging. At least, not to me.
I’ve never come into close contact with the fashion brand before, so I can’t comment on that.
Both the makeup and clothes aren’t available in Malaysia, which is a shame, so back then, I would often ogle at Etude House cosmetic stuff instead, because those are cute too.
(but actually I was once fascinated by Etude House because of Go Ah Ra)
(then Jang Geun Seuk caught my attention, I suppose.)
(but then they replaced GAR with Park Shin Hye and I was mildly disappointed.)
(but JGS and PSH CMs together are cuteeeee)
(right now they’ve replaced JGS with Lee Min Ho aka Boys over Flower lead actor, so my fascination is slightly lukewarm.)
(no JGS and PSH CMs didn’t make me a happy camper. T.T)
(but at least they have their drama)
(where was I?)
(Right.)
Now, back to Jill Stuart. I mean PSP.
(that's Gaki-san cell phone! :O)
Because decoden is totally every girl’s hobby…no? Oh. Okay. 8D
The bag is the only redeeming factor of the whole thing…but it’s a limited item.
Imagine totting that around…okay I can’t.
It’s amusing on how the attraction of a packaging could lure a person into the dark realm of purchasing. I mean, if Jill Stuart didn’t have such fancy cases, I wouldn’t be charmed.
I might as well buy Coffret D’or or SUQQU.
Then again, if SUQQU isn’t such a classy brand, I wouldn’t be lured in either.
Why buy an LV bag if you hated the monogram? For the name?
This sounds odd, but I was enlightened with the fact that a person, or rather, female, ‘standard’ here is evaluated by her choice in purses and shoes.
Well, since all of us basically wear black garments from head to…ankle, then the only thing visible to the public eyes, or female eyes, so to speak, is the bag on their shoulders, and the footwear on their foot.
If you wear these, then you are chic.
Teenagers: Converse sneakers and Benetton bags
Young adults: Heels/flats and Coach/Burberry bags
Adults: Heels and LV/Marc Jacobs bags
Me: Seriously? Converse shoes?
My 14 year old friend who treats me like I’m 16: Yes! You need to buy one. Seriously, it’ll make you appear trendy.
Me: I think I’m supposed to wear heels.
That 14 year old friend: Heels are for young adults! We young girls should wear sneakers!
Me: Urm…I…urm…I’m 20 you know.
Asians sure take their time in maturing…the face, I mean. XD
Or maybe because I indeed, wear sneakers and a Benetton bag…
Does this mean that I need to have a pair of Louboutin pumps and a Burberry tote bag to act my age?
DX
And I thought such things wouldn’t be noticed here. XD Everyone wears black, and it gives such an appearance of humbleness, I was almost deceived.
It’s understandable though. Black clothes. Eyes automatically focused on colorful things. Bags and shoes obviously. People do once-over. Bla bla bla.
Ack. D:
P/S: I want a Jill Stuart bag.
Jill Stuart the fashion brand is known for its clean-cut and elegancy (I think) while the cosmetic brand (which is centered in Japan) has more of a frilly and princess-y vibe. I mean, look at this.
Jill Stuart fashion
Jill Stuart cosmetic
As usual with typical Japanese makeup brand, Jill Stuart cosmetic products lean towards the sheer side. Pearlescent and shimmery, the strong point lies in their cute packaging rather than the product itself. There are tons of better products out there, but none of them matches Jill Stuart in terms of packaging. At least, not to me.
I’ve never come into close contact with the fashion brand before, so I can’t comment on that.
Both the makeup and clothes aren’t available in Malaysia, which is a shame, so back then, I would often ogle at Etude House cosmetic stuff instead, because those are cute too.
(but actually I was once fascinated by Etude House because of Go Ah Ra)
(then Jang Geun Seuk caught my attention, I suppose.)
(but then they replaced GAR with Park Shin Hye and I was mildly disappointed.)
(but JGS and PSH CMs together are cuteeeee)
(right now they’ve replaced JGS with Lee Min Ho aka Boys over Flower lead actor, so my fascination is slightly lukewarm.)
(no JGS and PSH CMs didn’t make me a happy camper. T.T)
(but at least they have their drama)
(where was I?)
(Right.)
Now, back to Jill Stuart. I mean PSP.
Well, this PSP looks ordinary to be honest. Just a pink PSP that’s somehow get labeled as Jill Stuart. I could whip this out in public and none could tell that this PSP is THE PSP by Jill Stuart. Unless they decided to stick some frills and bows or some crystals then this isn’t worth purchasing. But I expect most would like to decorate it themselves.
(that's Gaki-san cell phone! :O)
Because decoden is totally every girl’s hobby…no? Oh. Okay. 8D
The bag is the only redeeming factor of the whole thing…but it’s a limited item.
Imagine totting that around…okay I can’t.
It’s amusing on how the attraction of a packaging could lure a person into the dark realm of purchasing. I mean, if Jill Stuart didn’t have such fancy cases, I wouldn’t be charmed.
I might as well buy Coffret D’or or SUQQU.
Then again, if SUQQU isn’t such a classy brand, I wouldn’t be lured in either.
Why buy an LV bag if you hated the monogram? For the name?
This sounds odd, but I was enlightened with the fact that a person, or rather, female, ‘standard’ here is evaluated by her choice in purses and shoes.
Well, since all of us basically wear black garments from head to…ankle, then the only thing visible to the public eyes, or female eyes, so to speak, is the bag on their shoulders, and the footwear on their foot.
If you wear these, then you are chic.
Teenagers: Converse sneakers and Benetton bags
Young adults: Heels/flats and Coach/Burberry bags
Adults: Heels and LV/Marc Jacobs bags
Me: Seriously? Converse shoes?
My 14 year old friend who treats me like I’m 16: Yes! You need to buy one. Seriously, it’ll make you appear trendy.
Me: I think I’m supposed to wear heels.
That 14 year old friend: Heels are for young adults! We young girls should wear sneakers!
Me: Urm…I…urm…I’m 20 you know.
Asians sure take their time in maturing…the face, I mean. XD
Or maybe because I indeed, wear sneakers and a Benetton bag…
Does this mean that I need to have a pair of Louboutin pumps and a Burberry tote bag to act my age?
DX
And I thought such things wouldn’t be noticed here. XD Everyone wears black, and it gives such an appearance of humbleness, I was almost deceived.
It’s understandable though. Black clothes. Eyes automatically focused on colorful things. Bags and shoes obviously. People do once-over. Bla bla bla.
Ack. D:
P/S: I want a Jill Stuart bag.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
SPEAK!
“Do you like me? Really, do you honestly like me?”
What if you don’t? Would you lie? Would you tell the truth? Risking on hurting his/her heart?
But it’s better than to thoroughly ignore the person, isn’t it?
“Why aren’t you talking to me? Are you ignoring me? Have you forgotten about me? What have I done? Tell me!”
Yeah. Tell her. Why did you ignore her, but still watch her back? Why did you thoroughly shut her away from your life, but still ask for her news?
SPEAK. Nothing could be solved by silencing your thoughts. You think your friend did something wrong? Tell him. You like someone else? Tell her. You think he has something stuck in his teeth? TELL HIM ALREADY.
Don’t be such a coward and stand in the dark. No one could see you there anyway. Advance, walk forward, let your existence be noticed, speak your mind. Take the risk. Do what you think is best.
Hoping for money to land from the sky is such a far-stretched dream.
If things didn’t go as planned, then advance further. Leave the bitter memories behind. At least you’ve done your best. At least you’ve done SOMETHING. Better than regretting that you’ve done NOTHING.
Because NOTHING equals NONEXISTENT.
Take the plunge and do it already!
P/S: Just mildly aggravated by the fact that a friend of mine is being abandoned by her…yeah whatever that is.
What if you don’t? Would you lie? Would you tell the truth? Risking on hurting his/her heart?
But it’s better than to thoroughly ignore the person, isn’t it?
“Why aren’t you talking to me? Are you ignoring me? Have you forgotten about me? What have I done? Tell me!”
Yeah. Tell her. Why did you ignore her, but still watch her back? Why did you thoroughly shut her away from your life, but still ask for her news?
SPEAK. Nothing could be solved by silencing your thoughts. You think your friend did something wrong? Tell him. You like someone else? Tell her. You think he has something stuck in his teeth? TELL HIM ALREADY.
Don’t be such a coward and stand in the dark. No one could see you there anyway. Advance, walk forward, let your existence be noticed, speak your mind. Take the risk. Do what you think is best.
Hoping for money to land from the sky is such a far-stretched dream.
If things didn’t go as planned, then advance further. Leave the bitter memories behind. At least you’ve done your best. At least you’ve done SOMETHING. Better than regretting that you’ve done NOTHING.
Because NOTHING equals NONEXISTENT.
Take the plunge and do it already!
P/S: Just mildly aggravated by the fact that a friend of mine is being abandoned by her…yeah whatever that is.
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