Friday, February 19, 2010

Confess.

I’m not sure what got into me. Perhaps it was the chilly yet crisp air of Medina’s morning, or maybe it was the ambiance in general, but as I sat there in the Nabawi Mosque, waiting for the Fajr prayer, I come to a conclusion.

God really doesn’t give me what I want, but He always gives me what I need.

I remember how I prayed, and prayed, and prayed more yesterday, hoping that my dream will come true…

But as I sat there earlier this morning, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

Supposedly my wish was granted and I got what I wanted, but if it only will cause heartache in the end, why should I bother?

Perhaps all I ever wanted is not what I really need. If my wish would only prove hazardous to me in the end, then maybe it’s best for that wish to be left in the dust, never be granted.

I remember wanting to jump a grade so bad and pass the PTS test. But I didn’t.

I get it now. Fourth Grade is the beginning of my achievement.

I remember how I didn’t particularly care about my UPSR results, but I got good results nonetheless.

Because of this, I gained much respects from others. This is vital, because then I’ll prove to be incapable. But I was respected nonetheless. All because of the UPSR results.

I remember how I wanted to go to this boarding school so bad, but that school never gave me their offer letter, another school did.

In the end, I went back to my public school. I get it now, the reason I wasn’t offered by the boarding school of my dream was because I would have humiliated my sister if they did.

My life was destroyed by this thing called disease.

But this disease is the thing that saves my life. If I didn’t experience it, I won’t have the chance of boarding the plane and live with sands and camels and goats, won’t I?

The only thing I ever wanted was a normal life, like my friends, if you will, but I got nothing of that sort. Because of that, I live an obscure life. Because of that, I am quite isolated from the real world. And because of that, even though my heart is black, my mentality is quite green. And because of that, I somehow have the chance of living here.

I never wished to be here. I’d never dreamed of stepping a foot here at such a young age. I never dreamed of learning Arabic in the first place. That’s too far of a dream for me to obtain. All I ever wanted is a normal life, but I suppose that dream is far too stretched than the dream of living here.

I am not destined to be like them then, I get that. I don’t really care.

If what God gives me is all I need, then I’m fine with that. Really, only God knows best about anything at all.

I know nothing.

And so…

I will just keep on studying, and stop trying.

After all, like they said, you should only give up when you’ve done everything within your power to obtain the stuff. If you give up because things are getting hard, then you should try harder.

I’ve tried everything within my power. If the other party wouldn’t spare me a chance, if they couldn’t open their hearts to accept me, then what more could I say?

I’ve prayed to God. I’ve tried my hardest.

But this is it, then. If I didn’t get it, then it’s okay.

It’s just something that I don’t need.

Maybe something better will come later. Things that will really prove useful to me.

I just need to wait, then.

May better opportunities come to my doorsteps soon.

Amin.

P/S: I should have locked this post, shouldn't I? Private and all.

Well.

I don’t really care.

6 comments:

Nashuha said...

Sayang Huda, kamu masih ada aku. Jangan pernah cuba lupakan ini. Silaturrahim ini tak akan luput dengan izin Allah.

Sememangnya jalan hidup setiap insan itu berbeza kan? Jangan pernah membezakannya.

Aku sangat bangga punya teman seperti kamu. Bangga. Jika yang lain menjadi permata yang bersinar di daratan. Kamu jadilah permata yang menyinari lautan. Mungkin tak terlihat kerana dalam dasarnya namun penghuni lautan merasainya kehadiran kamu.

Memang benar. Apa yang kita mahu, kita diberikan apa yang kita perlu. Allah Maha Adil dan Mendengar.

Aku juga sudah berhenti berharap. Kepada sesuatu yang bukan milikku. Aku fikir aku sudah berusaha. Tapi aku tak akan pernah anggap aku gagal. Kerana aku percaya ada sinar tersembunyi di balik duka ini.

Kamu pun sama ya. Jangan terlalu berfikir akan bezanya hidup kamu dengan yang lain. Ada yang lagi kurang bernasib baik. Kamu yang terbaik. Percayalah.

Sayang kamu.

Huda said...

Hah Nashuha ko dah terkena virus tulis karangan di comment box orang ngahaha :P Bukan aku sorg je kan kan? XD

aku setuju dengan apa yang ko cakap. aku juga bertuah ada kawan seperti ko. kadang-kadang kita tak mahu jadi istimewa, mahu jadi biasa-biasa saja, tapi ditakdirkan begini, terimalah jelah dengan redha.

sememangnya aku ni bernasib baik, dikurniakan segala macam, diberi peluang begini dan begitu, hidup dalam keharmonian, dan aku cuba berpegang pada itu. walaupun luarannya aku serba kekurangan, tapi hakikatnya, bak kata kamu, aku juga permata, cumanya perlu dilihat di dasar lautan baru menyinar kerlipannya.

fuh. segan lak aku post benda alah ni ngahahah XD

Daniel Schaumann said...

That was a really powerful post, my friend. My prayers are with you <3

Olivia said...

I almost cried then laughed a little not because of your post but because the pain turns into a memory that later sometimes becomes comical.

I have often wanted something yet my prayers were answered a different way. At times I wished my heart and brain would relax but if they were relaxed then I would be in heaven and I am not ready for that so I will learn all I can while on this earth!

Great post!

Huda said...

To Daniel and Olivia:

This post was written under mixed feelings so that's why its kind of personal and quite religious XD But I'm glad that both of you could relate and understand my views, you guys are seriously awesome <3

Nashuha said...

perghh.. motivatonal betul komen aku tu~